Tired

I'm so damn tired.  I'm frustrated.  I'm upset.  I feel cheated.  I feel robbed.  I feel completely unmotivated. Why?  Here's why:

I grew up with parents who flew by the night trying to get their lives together and who are currently 62 and purchasing a real home.  They had two others they lost due to poor choices.  My brother and I had a very unstable up-bringing that they seem to have completely forgotten.  I never can tell them the truth that I have very few good times I remember because life was an overall struggle.  I never could have friends because of the chain-smoking and alcohol issues.  None of my friends parents wanted them over because I stunk like cigarettes all the time.  I learned to take care of myself and brother at a real young age. I learned to stay under the radar to avoid conflict.  Fast forward to teen years.  Conveniently my folks forgot about how there was so much turmoil that I left home at 16 1/2.  I stayed gone for a long time.  My mom set me out to "stay" with a woman she knew named Nancy on her couch.  Problem was that I was never there.  I made friends at the two jobs I had while trying to complete high school.  I had a car that was like worth maybe $1200 if even that.  I paid my own bills and still forked over mone for the family that couldn't get their shit together.

Finally, I met my husband.  I had a dream that I was going to have a good man, a real home (nothing fancy just a safe place where I could plant flowers without worrying about the crime), and kids that I could love and enjoy.  Ha!  Was I ever wrong!  I did marry a great man, but nothing else worked out like I thought.  We had our first child and she ended up having autism and seizures early on.  God did heal her of the seizures and she is extremely high functioning teenager getting ready for her first year of high school at a private school being paid for by the State on a scholarship, but she is still autistic and that is hard to swallow.  I had another child right after her and she was a horrible infant.  She screamed non-stop.  She seemed to be in pain we couldn't identify.  She ended up being ok mentally but had / has a lot of motor issues with both fine and gross.  She was termed to be a "high needs" child.  So, I was done having kids.  I was just trying to work through those two.  I started with the oldest doing over 40 hrs a week of intensive 1 to 1 therapy trying to help her speak and look at you and function in public ok.  My husband dragged me to a very remote location across Oklahoma to do a Residency training that was not required.  He didn't even tell me about it until the day he was accepted.  This area of Oklahoma was near the Texas Panhandle.  Yep.  I'm not used to that at all.  I stuck my heels in the ground and had garage sales and tried to stay in a city called Norman, OK to get the therapy my daughter needed.  I was distraught by myself because I lived there for over 6 months alone with two hard to raise kids with lots of special needs.  I couldn't work and I didn't get any help from the state because I didn't qualify for food stamps.  I think I did get WIC but that was all.  I ate a lot of ramean noodles and pbj's.  My husband was living in a hotel in Elk City, OK.  I finally reached my breaking point and the State promised to find me therapists in Elk City. I moved there right around Christmas time and they hired about three people to work with my daughter that NEVER SHOWED UP ONE TIME.  The State threw up their hands and said there was nothing more they could do.  I was alone in a remote area.  I had no money so I couldn't even go get a small fry at McDonald's to share with the girls.  It was such a desolate and scary time.  I was thrilled whem my oldestest turned old enough to go to public school there for a few hours a day in the early intervention programming.  She lasted two weeks there and ended up in the hospital with a respitory illness that caused her to stop breathing a few times.  I took her to the doctor there and told them I didn't like the sound of her cough.  He told me to have her drink more water.  I did but the next morning when I woke up with her in my bed beside me she was barely breathing.  My husband didn't notice (he doesn't notice much really) and so then I called up to the doctor's office and told them I would be there in five mins and they better be ready for her.  The doctor saw me again and got all huffy and told me "if you had just kept her hydrated".  WTH right?  So, he says we have to admit her to the hospital now.  I drove with this lifeless little girl in my arms and my other daughter barely walking and clinging to me.  No one helped me at the hospital. And then you know what?  we got there and they were all worried about what room to put her in and she wasn't breathing and was blue.  I started freaking out on them all and screaming at the top of my lungs and I found oxygen and demanded a mask for her.  She was so out of it they stabbed her trying to get an IV in over 30 times.  They called a special nurse to come in to do little children and she did and she teared and said "oh this baby is so sick". Well, rest assured my husband was no where around.  He was too busy trying to keep the residency people happy at this shitty "job" that paid him like 1200 mo and he had health insurance but none of us did.  (Thank God for Medicaid I did have that from the State for benefits I forgot.) Well, then guess how often he came up to the hospital?  Almost never.  He would get my other daughter and take her home and sleep!  So, then my mom came down to let me go home and get some sleep after three days of no sleep and no help.  I was so desparate for him to get a job and never be put in a position where he couldn't come to his child in the hospital, that I told him he could do a clinic himself.  And that was my BIGGEST MISTAKE I EVER MADE.  So, we did get out of Elk City and we moved to Shawnee.  There was a small town Tecumseh and a doctor there was leaving and we got to buy her practice for under $100K.  We didn't have any money.  We did get a $1500 tax return and we qualified for a rural loan assistance program and we did it.  Bought a business.  OMG that place was so run down.  My idiot husband bought equipment for it we couldn't afford and when December came, we had no money and no savings and no idea how we were going to pay for our bills.  I was working with hubby because we coudln't afford to hire anyone.  Suddenly like a flood, in January the following year, patients started coming from everywhere.  They would sit on the floor in the office lining the hallway waiting for him to see them!  In the meantime, I found myself working hours that were from 8am to 11pm most days and had put my kids in daycare at the church we attended.  Not to re-hash bad stuff, but my oldest got abused in the daycare and so I ended up having a mental breakdown over it.  I tried pills but had a reaction that caused me to develop an anxiety disorder that took over my life. I got to doing better and then I got pregnant again.  Surprise!  A week after finding out, I had a miscarriage that ended up causing me to get diagnosed with a huge tumor on my right ovary.  They didn't know what this tumor was and I ended up having a breakdown again (who wouldn't though right?).  I had to get out of that little tiny house we lived in there because after the abuse and the breakdowns, it didn't feel happy.  Two years after opening the first location we opened a sattelite location and finally we were earning a decent living.  I spent two years looking for a good home for our family.  I had a routine that caused me to look every night on the internet and weekends driving around.  We were not amazingly rich, but we got enough that we paid our bills had a small savings and could look to buying another house.  In 2006 bought our "dream home".  It was perfect.  Four years old, and in the cutest cul-de-sac.  There were 5 other houses there total and there was no room left to build in that neighborhood (it was a street that dead ended and someone built 6 houses on about 5 acres of land).  Anyways, we were told this perfect house had a HOA and just pay the $250 year to upkeep two flower beds.  Neither one of us worried about it at all and we moved in.  I pictured my grandkids at that house.  It had a perfect porch with swings and a huge backyard.  The lot was about 1/2 acre.  We put an above ground pool in and planted flowers and started a vegtable garden. We decided to try for another baby before I had surgery to remove this ovary completely and it may have resulted with a hysterectomy.  So, we were blessed and had another baby girl in 2007.  Life seemed so perfect.  I hired a lady from our church (yes we found a new church to trust again) and I worked full time and put my girls into private school.  I was so damn happy.  I felt like I was ontop of the world.  That was short-lived when I learned on a field trip that no one liked my oldest daughter at her school. I volunteered to drive to a field trip and thought it would be good to be with her.  It was at this popular swimming hole in a creekbed and she wasn't told to bring her swimsuit because the teacher said she was the last one to call and the teacher ran out of time (what the hell right??).  So, I took my daughter home to get her swimsuit and she was inside and I asked the kids how they liked her and they said they felt sorry for her because no one liked her and kids hit her and were so mean to her.  They only came with us because they were assigned to come and they felt sorry for her.  I wanted to take those brats up to the school right then and run far away with my autistic beauty.  God autism sucks.  Anyways, I did go to the trip and the teacher also didn't tell us to bring our lunches so I had to drive us into the town and I hurried super fast at a Subway and when we got back they had already left for the swimming.  No one waited ten minutes on us!  So, reailty set in and I took my kids out of the school (duh right).  I ended up homeschooling them.  It was hard because I had two offices working full time and homeschooled full time and basically never slept.  I did have my nanny lady still but she was just part-time now since I was splitting my days at the offices and trying to be home more.  I did billing at night.  Even at 4am sometimes!  Especially with my husband I cared that he slept because he need to be at his best right?  So, time came the following year to do my surgery and so I went in and ended up only have the right ovary removed (that's called a oopherectomy weird right??).  A few months later we were surprised to find out we were going to have baby number 4.  I ended up losing my full time nanny because she moved away (that sounds better than her real story so that is what I'm going with).  I found myself working full time and running a house full time and trying to keep up with life.  I woke up one morning and that's when it hit me.  Super dizzy and I had an impossible time getting rid of it.  (Even today I'm still dizzy.). I started with doctors and MRI's and trying to figure out what was wrong.  In the meantime, I got sued.  By my neighbor out of no where because I built a storage shed 12 inches too close to his property line.  I hired movers on the day I gave birth to move the shed and they did.  Then the guy sued me again because of HOA covenant issues with brick on the bottom of the shed.  Which, by the way lived behind an 8ft privacy fence!  That's when it happend.  I lost my home.  I ended up hating that home because this neighbor drove us crazy.  He wrote letters and harrassed us about our lawn.  We ended up spending about $40K on attorney fees and money to pay him off in a settlement.  We settled a few weeks before jury trial. Yep jury trial over a storage shed!   Insane!  It was horrible.  In one of his letters he referred to our family as "trashy".  To this day that has crushed my heart.  I grew up trashy and never considered that I was still trashy.  I mean I grew up at times with no home and no bed ok?  It was tough.  But here I was working my ass off to make sure I lived the American Dream right? Anyways, I decided to get out of Shawnee and move to Choctaw.  It was closer to OKC and had more private school options.  We bought a house with 5 acres, couldn't sell our other Shawnee home. Thanks to our awsome neighbor.  Anyways, we rented it out and went to move on with our lives.  We got this giant mastiff dog named Gabe.  Mastiffs were supposed to be laid back and wonderful with people.  We even had met a couple of them and they were great!  My husband was supposed to transfer to his office closer to our new home within a year.  I was an idiot and believed him.  We got chickens and that is when it happend. I watched this beautiful home go downhill and become "trashy" because my husband would just get crap and leave it. Every project was unfinished and I found myself now taking care of offices via telephone only now and home and kids and 5 acres and a giant dog! In the meantime my 3rd daughter started getting ill.  Really ill. She would scream with stomach pains no one could figure out.  I took her to every test, XRay, Scan, doctor and specialist imaginable.  Nothing.  I decided to put her into a mom's day out program to see if it was just an "attention" behavior after her endoscopy procedure came back good.  Unfortunately, nothing really changed  a lot and then it happend.  It was 2am and she was squirming around.  Crying that her butt was hurting.  I looked at it and it seemed fine and I wiped it thinking too much juice or something and went back to sleep.  Five minutes again she stars screaming she is hurting.  I get a flashlight and go back down to see what the trouble is!  OMG. There was like 100 worms crawling out of her butt!  Pinworms.  Can I just say that pinworms have to be the worstest.  Worst than lice (though we havn't had to endure lice and hopefully never will) and that when your child has them, everyone has them including you!  You will lose sleep for weeks because even after you know treatment has happend...you have the ewwws about your own butt all night thinking about it! Well, Mebendolze or something like that is the medicine prescribed.  Chew up a pill and wait.  Unfortunately, this sent child number 3 into a stomach pain so violent she screamed day and night without rest or anything until she would just pass out sometimes due to her pain.  Hubby was too busy to help still and he got hooked into internet video gaming.  He was never around. He left very early, got home, went straight to his computer and ignored us.  I couldn't stop to deal with him then, so I called my mom and she came to let me sleep for a night.  I couldn't sleep well because my heart broke for this poor baby.  So, got it cleared up after a few weeks and tried to put life back to normal. Kids went back to moms day out, program (again at a church we were attending) and damn it.  Pinworms again!  Now my older girls went to public school and so they were fine.  However, my little girls were too little for school.  In the meantime, my 2nd daughter got suspended for threatening another student from school.  The next year we decided to homeschool again.  I just kept thinking about how my kids just are too "special needs" to attend school.  If they could just be like everyone else and I sank into a deep depression.  I decided to get out of my depression and so I bought several books and even went to a therapist.  Well, sort of.  My insurance didn't cover therapy so I paid $40 a week to a woman who was a few tests away from being a real therapist.  Anyways, I started my session with her by saying..."my marriage is perfect but I am having a lot of problems".  I tried to get rid of my anxiety with Xanax since I couldn't bring myself to try another prescription and have a reaction to it (the other time earlier I talked about the reaction was a seizure type episode).  I found myself freaking out to even drive!  I developed phobias with hallways and public places.  I was barely functional.  I mean barely.  My husband...well, he wrote me an email about how we needed to separate for a while.  CRASH.  It all came down on me. My renters were moving out because they couldn't handle the neighbor and decided to get a divorce.  My husband told me he was going to move back to my other house and I was out further from family than ever.  No help nothing.  Just all about him.  Jackass.  Anyways, so then I decided that I should sell this house and I did.  I got it sold.  I changed realtors and everything and I got it sold within a few months.  Hubby and I had a big argument (that we needed to have) and worked things out and moved back to our Shawnee home together vowing to change...both of us.  Things improved some for a while.  I was still dealing with homeschooling and offices via the phone only, but I felt better being in my home.  We had to replace our heat and air and put in a fireplace because we always wanted one.  We changed out our flooring and things seems normal again.  Except we had to get rid of the dog because he was hyper, agressive, tried to attack several neighbors and wouldn't respond to shock collar therapy!  Great with our kids and family but the last thing I needed was another lawsuit!  Then the neighbor started in again...the looks, the letters and gossip.  He called the police every night on our Christmas lights.  It was a freaking nightmare.  I found myself unable to cope with the things again.  I missed my family.  I wondered what it would have been like if I had been living near them and not so far.  We were raising our kids in a small town and it hit me hard that low opportunities in small towns cause people to move away.  I became obsessed with my kids moving away from me. In the meantime, while homeschooling the daily stomach pains turned into neck and back pains for child number 3.  Also, I noticed my youngest was complaining about not feeling good.  I thought she was mimicing her sister for attention.  I finally broke and went to a neurologist.  After a few months and an MRI, child number 3 was diagnosed with Chiari Malformation type 1 and needed brain surgery!  Then weeks later I had youngest daughter tested and she had the same thing only worse cuz it was Chiari Malformation Type 1 with Syringomyelia down the entire spine!  That could paralyze her!  She also needed brain surgery and a patch in her brain to make room!  I decided whether hubby came or not that I was going to move back to Tulsa.  Home. I don't want to die in Shawnee!  It isn't my home.  Of course technically, it was. Home.  What the hell is a home anyways right?  So, I moved back to Tulsa and hubby came.  We sold our businesses within weeks and it was all done.  We had a nice savings from the sale.  Until we met our new accountant and that caused us to pay $82,000 in taxes we should not have had to pay.  On top of that the firm billed us $20K to do them!  Yep really.  So, bye bye  half of the savings.  Well, we sold our building (the business was in) so that helped to replace the lost funds. In the meantime, we were traveling to New York and Texas to find a neurosurgeon qualified to perform this surgery on my babies.  I enrolled all the kids except the baby into public school.  My life was so overwhelming that I was just on auto-pilot. My dizziness was more than I could handle so I started seeking help for it again and finally got a prescription for Valium.  I take 1/4th of a 5mg pill every night before bed and it seems to keep the dizziness away.  I know the harm of this medication, but it has no side effects and so far seems to be working just great for me.  Just 6 weeks ago our two daughters had Decompressive brain surgery performed 10 hrs away in Austin, TX.  We wanted to wait until school ended and it was summer so they didn't get ill after surgery.  Three weeks after being home they both got croupe cough and have been coughing and throwing up several times a day and all night long.  In the meantime the new business hubby started isn't paying us a paycheck yet and we just got our first bill on our loan payment and it is $1500 more per month on the payment than we thought!  So, while none of this story is the complete version and I'm sure I left details out...today I tired.  I'm still looking for a home and now I am budgeting like I did when we were in college figuring out 101 ways to cook with nothing and I do believe we will be successful, I just want one thing so badly.  I want a home.  I want a 1 story home with a big front porch and a back porch too.  I want it to be about 2300 sq ft with at least 4 bedrooms and 3 bathrooms.  I want it to be on at least 1/2 acre lot and I want to have a huge driveway so that all my daughters can always come home.  My grandbabies will always be over and I will never be alone again.  I want my hubby to work 4 days a week and be able to take off Wednesdays.  Sometimes I need help.  Medically they have never really figured it out.  I was diagnosed with MS then they changed their minds and said Lupus then RA.  Then they didn't know and decided I was allergic to gluten and had no vitamin D level.  I did start vitamins and eat gluten freen and that has made me 500% better.  I am internally sad a lot because I hate that my mind causes me to have anxiety about going places by myself.  My family is so used to it that they don't even question anything.  I have my "family" back in my life full time.  It has a lot of baggage because your heart never forgets certain scars.  My brother got a divorce and is dealing with that and his issues. I can't bear to be around him because he is so gloomy.  I wanted to be the happy, succesful, one with a super happy home that I can take care of anyone in need.  Hello, I can't take care myself!  I proised myself I would go to the beach this May.  I plan to go.  Going o the beach is my trophy for getting through a double brain surgery.  I just want to live a simple life that is so simple that it is a vacation for anyone that comes to see us.  That our happiness is contagious and laughter is refreshing.  I havn't laughed in a long time.  Not since losing my last home.  So, what happend to that place?  Wel, I let a friend buy it from me.  She is paying on it for a few years till their credit goes up so they can buy it.  She tells me all the time how she loves that home.  Deep down I'm really jealous.  That's my home.  Those are my things and supposed to be my little place of heaven on earth.  I'm tearing up now when I think about it.  I just hate bullies.  They are so mean and cause you to question your ever being.  God, today I pray that you will cause me to trust you completely.  You know the simple desires of my heart and nothing I want is unattainable.  I feel like I deserve to have this home and happiness.  Please show me how to get it quickly because my oldest daughter is going to be 15 and that doesn't give me a lot of time to give her a room she really would like to have.  But thank you God that you have blessed our health and made (and are making) us whole. I am so thankful for all gifts you have given tome, but if I do not ask you Lord, I will not receive.  I was never made to be perfect.  I was made to rely on you solely as my maker for all my needs.  Lord, give my feet the strenghth to make happy memories and my mind supernatural braveness.  Give my heart healing with wounds that cannot be reopened.  Give me the ability to move past my past because you do not want me to live there or you would not have provided to me the ability to move forward.  Oh, please also Lord give my mom and dad approval on the home they so desire.  It is as you know Lord a hud home they are trying to buy as in their old age, even they desire to have a small piece of heaven on earth and as you have now shown me, it is never too late to move forward in the right direction.  Thank you for your merciful forgiveness and give me the desire to enjoy all precious hours with my girls you gave me. All so special and perfect as a testimony of your great Love.  AMEN.